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Talk

December 16, 2006

I know I can never escape from this feeling of guilt, no matter how effective time is in healing the pain.

Whether working in a factory as a lowly operator or now doing delivery for a restaurant, I have no complaint and am still trying my best to do my job as best as I can. But making ends meet is becoming increasingly difficult as income from a make-shift delivery job is anything but stable. The seems little we can do watching our meagre saving fast disappearing.

We used to dine out a lot – 500 a meal? No problem; 1,000 a meal? No problem. And who would have thought then that a bowl of plain noodle will become such a luxury now. The dream exploded suddenly in front of us. It was hard for me and certainly much harder for the children especially when their dreams were shattered into pieces overnight not because they had done any wrongs.

I am not a good parent. Although I did try to teach them to face the sudden adversity positively and to work their way out of the present misery, I gave up too easily. It is almost 6 years’ ago since the day we had to leave behind everything we had and I begin to feel that I seem to have given up all hopes.

I was depressed and it must have been over 3 years since we spent any quality time together as a family. Even as a family, we have found ourselves difficult to communicate with each others. We just choose to shut ourselves off altogether – the easy option, I guess.

Winter festival is coming up next Friday. I had a thought. Maybe I should try to talk to my children; I should try to push them back onto a right track. I had thought of talking to them; I knew I should have done so earlier. I am not sure if it’s my depression or my selfishness, I didn’t seem to be able to muster enough courage to do so. I didn’t know what to talk.

I have not written this to seek any sympathy. I have been trying hard to separate my personal life from a blog which I would love to concentrate on my thought about current affairs and some web stuff which interest me. I know damn well that when a man decides to climb over the parapet, he doesn’t have too much sympathy from the onlookers – most of them will just wonder what will happen next while some will simply be amused by the man’s stupidity. In life, misfortune doesn’t generate much sympathy. It only produces some curiosity – short-lived curiosity.

I hope when I talk to my children next Friday, I will have some meaningful things to say.

Posted to Life at December 16, 2006 02:53 PM :   Furl this page Furl It!   del.icio.us del.icio.us

Comments

I doubt sympathy would be a word to use here, maybe understanding? There are memories I have pushed to the back of my mind, and for years they remained there. Something triggers those dark days and they are in my eyes as fresh as the day they were made. This is how the human psyche manages. We compartmentalize the bad things.

We want to reach out to those who we are connected to. Yet, it is the knowing of all the memories that is the conflict. Sympathy; no way I just plain understand.

And yes, this year I will at least reach out to the past, I owe that much.

posted by: Driver8 [TypeKey Profile Page] at December 20, 2006 01:49 AM




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